Bum Deal Read online

  PRAISE FOR PAUL LEVINE

  BUM LUCK

  “A one-sit, must-read novel full of memorable characters and unforgettable vignettes. Levine’s pacing is perfect as always, and the pages just fly by, even as he juggles multiple plots with his own unique aplomb. Put Bum Luck at the top of your reading list.”

  —Bookreporter.com

  “A gripping and often quite an amusing thriller with a surprising climax, all of which is built around an intriguing cast of characters as it achieves an almost flawless rhythm.”

  —BookPleasures.com

  “Paul Levine continues his trademark brisk pacing with timely storytelling and well-placed humor. Bum Luck is elevated further by teaming Jake with Steve Solomon and Victoria Lord. The trio make an unstoppable team—concerned about the law, but even more about people.”

  —South Florida Sun-Sentinel

  BUM RAP

  “The pages fly by and the laughs keep coming in this irresistible South Florida crime romp. A delicious mix of thriller and comic crime novel.”

  —Booklist (starred review)

  “Levine effectively blends a puzzling crime, intelligent sleuthing, adroit courtroom maneuvering, and a surprising attraction between Victoria and Jake in this welcome addition to both series.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  “Ebulliently seamless melding of Levine’s two legal-eagles series.”

  —Kirkus Reviews

  TO SPEAK FOR THE DEAD

  “Move over Scott Turow. To Speak for the Dead is courtroom drama at its very best.”

  —Larry King

  “An assured and exciting piece of work. Jake Lassiter is Travis McGee with a law degree . . . One of the best mysteries of the year.”

  —Los Angeles Times

  “Paul Levine is guilty of master storytelling in the first degree. To Speak for the Dead is a fast, wry, and thoroughly engrossing thriller.”

  —Carl Hiaasen

  NIGHT VISION

  “Levine’s fiendish ability to create twenty patterns from the same set of clues will have you waiting impatiently for his next novel.”

  —Kirkus Reviews

  “Sparkles with wit and subtlety.”

  —Toronto Star

  “Breathlessly exciting.”

  —Cleveland Plain Dealer

  FALSE DAWN

  “Realistic, gritty, fun.”

  —New York Times Book Review

  “A highly entertaining yarn filled with wry humor.”

  —Detroit Free Press

  “A dazzler, extremely well-written and featuring so many quotable passages you’ll want someone handy to read them aloud to.”

  —Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine

  MORTAL SIN

  “Take one part John Grisham, two parts Carl Hiaasen, throw in a dash of John D. MacDonald, and voila! You’ve got Mortal Sin.”

  —Tulsa World

  “Recalling the work of Carl Hiaasen, this thriller races to a smashing climax.”

  —Library Journal

  “Wonderfully funny, sexy, and terrifying.”

  —Dave Barry

  RIPTIDE

  “A thriller as fast as the wind. A bracing rush, as breathtaking as hitting the Gulf waters on a chill December morning.”

  —Tampa Tribune

  “A tale involving drug smuggling and murder, windsurfing and murder, multi-million-dollar thievery and murder. The action never stops.”

  —Denver Rocky Mountain News

  “One of the best mystery writers in the business today. The story fairly leaps with enthusiasm toward the finale. Riptide is Paul Levine’s finest work.”

  —Ocala (FL) Star Banner

  FOOL ME TWICE

  “You’ll like listening to Jake’s beguiling first-person tale-telling so much that you won’t mind being fooled thrice.”

  —Philadelphia Inquirer

  “A fast-paced thriller filled with action, humor, mystery and suspense.”

  —Miami Herald

  “Blend the spicy characters created by Elmore Leonard with the legal expertise and suspense made famous by John Grisham and you have Paul Levine’s Fool Me Twice.”

  —Lake Worth (FL) Herald

  FLESH & BONES

  “The author keeps the suspense high with innovative twists and touches of humor that spice up the courtroom scenes.”

  —Chicago Tribune

  “Filled with smart writing and smart remarks. Jake is well on his way to becoming a star in the field of detective fiction.”

  —Dallas Morning News

  “A well-focused plot that stresses in-depth characterization and action that is more psychological than macho. The author keeps the suspense high with innovative twists.”

  —Atlanta Journal Constitution

  LASSITER

  “Since Robert Parker is no longer with us, I’m nominating Levine for an award as best writer of dialogue in the grit-lit genre.”

  —San Jose Mercury News

  “Lassiter is back after fourteen long years—and better than ever. Moving fast, cracking wise, butting heads, he’s the lawyer we all want on our side—and on the page.”

  —Lee Child

  “Few writers can deliver tales about sex and drugs in South Florida better than Levine.”

  —Booklist

  SOLOMON VS. LORD

  “A funny, fast-paced legal thriller. The barbed dialogue makes for some genuine laugh-out-loud moments. Fans of Carl Hiaasen and Dave Barry will enjoy this humorous Florida crime romp.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  “The writing makes me think of Janet Evanovich out to dinner with John Grisham.”

  —Mysterylovers.com

  “Hiaasen meets Grisham in the court of last retort. A sexy, wacky, wonderful thriller with humor and heart.”

  —Harlan Coben

  THE DEEP BLUE ALIBI

  “An entertaining, witty comedy caper with legal implications . . . sparkles with promise, humor, and more than a dash of suspense.”

  —Blogcritics.com

  “A cross between Moonlighting and Night Court . . . courtroom drama has never been this much fun.”

  —Freshfiction.com

  “As hilarious as The Deep Blue Alibi is, it is almost possible between the cleverly molded characters and sharp dialogue to overlook that the novel contains a terrific mystery, one that will keep you guessing.”

  —Bookreporter.com

  KILL ALL THE LAWYERS

  “A clever, colorful thriller . . . with characters drawn with a fine hand, making them feel more like friends than figments of the author’s imagination. Levine ratchets up the tension with each development but never neglects the heart of the story—his characters.”

  —Publishers Weekly (starred review)

  “Levine skillfully blends humor, a view of Miami, and the legal system into tidy plots.”

  —South Florida Sun-Sentinel

  “Another successful fast-moving, highly entertaining mystery. Irreverent to juveniles, judges, and the judicial system, but does it all with a wink. Encore . . . encore.”

  —ReviewingTheEvidence.com

  HABEAS PORPOISE

  “Steve Solomon and Victoria Lord are smart and funny and sexy in a way that Hollywood movies were before comedies became crass and teen-oriented.”

  —Connecticut Post

  “A Moonlighting crime novel. Great fun.”

  —Lansing State Journal

  “Entertaining and witty with lots of laughs.”

  —MysteriousReviews.com

  IMPACT

  “A breakout book, highly readable and fun with an irresistible momentum, helped along by Levine’s knowledge of the Supreme Court and how it works.”

  —USA TODAY

  “Sizzles the Supreme
Court as it has never been sizzled before, even by Grisham.”

  —F. Lee Bailey

  “A masterfully written thriller, coiled spring tight. The plot is relentless. I loved it!”

  —Michael Palmer

  BALLISTIC

  “Ballistic is Die Hard in a missile silo. Terrific!”

  —Stephen J. Cannell

  “It’s easy to compare Levine to Tom Clancy but I think he’s better for two simple reasons—he’s a better storyteller and his characters are more believable, good guys and bad guys alike.”

  —Ed Gorman

  ILLEGAL

  “Levine is one of the few thriller authors who can craft a plot filled with suspense while still making the readers smile at the characters’ antics.”

  —Chicago Sun-Times

  “The seamy side of smuggling human cargo is deftly exposed by the clear and concise writing of the Edgar Award–nominated author. Illegal is highly recommended.”

  —Midwest Book Review

  “Timely, tumultuous, and in a word, terrific.”

  —Providence Journal

  BOOKS BY PAUL LEVINE

  THE JAKE LASSITER SERIES

  To Speak for the Dead

  Night Vision

  False Dawn

  Mortal Sin

  Riptide

  Fool Me Twice

  Flesh & Bones

  Lassiter

  Last Chance Lassiter

  State vs. Lassiter

  THE SOLOMON & LORD SERIES

  Solomon vs. Lord

  The Deep Blue Alibi

  Kill All the Lawyers

  Habeas Porpoise

  LASSITER, SOLOMON & LORD SERIES

  Bum Rap

  Bum Luck

  Bum Deal

  Stand-Alone Thrillers

  Impact

  Ballistic

  Illegal

  Paydirt

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, organizations, places, events, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

  Text copyright © 2018 by Nittany Valley Productions, Inc.

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

  Published by Thomas & Mercer, Seattle

  www.apub.com

  Amazon, the Amazon logo, and Thomas & Mercer are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc., or its affiliates.

  ISBN-13: 9781503951716

  ISBN-10: 1503951715

  Cover design by Ray Lundgren

  For Stuart Grossman, trial lawyer extraordinaire and the brother I never had.

  CONTENTS

  Start Reading

  -1- Bedroom Games

  -2- The Sunny Side of Justice

  -3- Los Tres Amigos

  -4- Little Gold Handcuffs

  -5- Who Is This Guy?

  -6- The Beast in All of Us

  -7- The Pursuit of Happiness

  -8- Well and Faithfully Perform

  -9- Into the Light

  -10- The Flop-Sweat Stink of Guilt

  -11- The Prescription

  -12- The Chickee Hut Shrink

  -13- You Are the Cat

  -14- Marching Orders

  -15- On a Clear Day, You Can See Bimini

  -16- Bloody Hands

  -17- The Doctor and His Verbs

  -18- Uxoricidal Rage

  -19- A Woman of a Million Moods

  -20- The Unasked Question

  -21- Let’s Make a Deal

  -22- Three Million Buckaroos

  -23- The Happiness Quotient

  -24- The Unsworn Lie

  -25- The Titanic, Burning Coal, and Me

  -26- Lawyers Hungry as Locusts

  -27- Gator Shit

  -28- The Timeline

  -29- The Titty Trap

  -30- Amber, Autumn, Venus, and Delilah

  -31- Blowing Smoke

  -32- Of Spitting and Pissing

  -33- The Essence of Partnership and Love

  -34- Ethics 101

  -35- Best Friends Forever . . . or for a While

  -36- Mindfulness for Dummies

  -37- The Fall Guy

  -38- The Lion in Winter

  Stephen Solomon . . .

  -39- The Rabbi, the Minister, and the Disbarred Judge

  -40- How Many Women?

  -41- The Curvy Ethical Road

  -42- Tar and Feathers

  -43- Dirty Money

  -44- The Third Plane

  -45- The Sword of Justice

  -46- Dream Witness

  -47- Pedantic Semantics

  -48- Natural-Born Persecutor

  -49- A Trout in the Tub

  -50- Ready, Willing, and Able

  -51- Salacious Evil

  -52- Two Prophecies Fulfilled

  -53- Last Rodeo

  -54- Infusion Confusion

  -55- A Tale of Two Calls

  -56- Proving the Lie

  -57- The Facts, Ma’am

  -58- Stab Me Again, Corky

  -59- Cloudy with a Chance of Shit Storms

  -60- Shrunk

  -61- A Church, Not a Circus

  -62- Star Witness

  -63- Shock and Awe

  -64- Disorder in the Court

  -65- Cosmic Questions

  -66- The Isles of Hidden Loot

  -67- Body Heat

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  “I’m not moldering. My paint’s not peeling off. I’m good for years!”

  —Henry II in The Lion in Winter by James Goldman

  “The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions.”

  —Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

  -1-

  Bedroom Games

  The surgeon laced his fingers and cracked his knuckles, a concert pianist preparing to tackle Tchaikovsky. “I could strangle you with one hand, sweetheart.” His voice soft and seductive.

  “You’re pathetic.” She spat out the words. “Worms have more backbone.”

  He wrapped his right hand around her neck, just below the chin. “I’ll shatter your hyoid bone, watch your eyes pop.”

  “Worm!”

  A low growl came from his throat. “I’ll laugh as your tongue shoots out of your filthy mouth. You’ll look like a dead raccoon. Roadkill!”

  “How many men have I screwed since we’ve been married? Take a guess, Dr. Worm.”

  Puzzled, he studied her. Same pouty lips, same dark eyes glistening like hot lava. But the insults? This was something new.

  “Or just count them on your fingers,” she taunted him. “Whoops! You’ll need your toes, too.”

  He blinked. “What’s this? A twist in the game?”

  “Every man better than you.”

  His fingers found her carotid artery. He tightened his grip, and a wet noise like the growl of a small dog caught in her throat. His left hand shot forward, and now both hands encircled her neck.

  “Getting excited, worm? Going to . . . ?” A guttural sound choked off the words.

  He was becoming aroused, as he figured she wanted. He eased the pressure, let her grab a greedy breath, then squeezed again. Pink streaks colored her cheeks like a sunset over the Gulf.

  “You look lovely, sweetheart,” he said. “No need for blush today.”

  A gurgle came from her throat.

  “Are you ready?” he asked.

  She didn’t answer. Couldn’t answer.

  Three more times, he squeezed and released. The fourth time, he squeezed and didn’t release.

  She lost consciousness, her eyes rolling back in her head.

  It had happened once before. He had used simple CPR—chest compressions and mouth-to-mouth—to revive her. Afterward, her ribs were sore, and bruises the color of eggpl
ants kept her from nude sunbathing for a week.

  He scooped her up and tossed her onto the bed. A 107-pound rag doll. What was that crap about other men? She’d never said anything like that before. It broke the rules—wasn’t part of the game. Why was she trying to provoke him?

  He examined her neck. Red-and-purple striations. She would be furious tomorrow.

  If tomorrow ever came.

  -2-

  The Sunny Side of Justice

  When my cell phone rang, I figured someone was dead.

  Nah, I don’t have ESP. I have caller ID.

  State Attorney Raymond Pincher on the line. That could mean several things, many involving a corpse. Maybe a client of mine, out on bail, was machine-gunning tourists in the Fontainebleau lobby. That’s one of my recurring nightmares.

  Civilians think that criminal defense lawyers are cold-blooded mercenaries, carrying our spears into battle for killers, con men, and crooks of every stripe. But we get the night sweats over the consequences of our actions. Or at least I do.

  “Jake Lassiter, you damn fool!” Pincher greeted me. “What the hell’s wrong with you?”

  “Where oh where should I begin, Ray?”

  We’d been friendly antagonists for years, sparring in court and in the boxing ring at the Riverfront Athletic Club. But no more fisticuffs for me. For the last year, I’ve been under doctors’ orders to avoid blows to the head. Too many concussions going back to my playing days at Penn State, where I was a starting linebacker, and with the Miami Dolphins, where I was an unguided missile on the suicide squads when I wasn’t warming the bench.

  “Phil Flury intends to file a Bar complaint against you,” Pincher said.

  “Aw, let him, the little weasel.”

  I leaned back in my chair and admired the view of a placid Biscayne Bay in the fading light. I was drinking solo on the patio at the Red Fish Grill at Matheson Hammock, a couple miles south of my Coconut Grove home. An easterly breeze kicked up sand from the beach and ruffled the palm trees a few feet from my table.

  I was sipping tequila, Don Julio 1942, and I could feel the warm Mexican sun in my belly, but Pincher was fast becoming Mr. Buzzkill.

  “You punched Flury!” he thundered. “You can’t strike an assistant state attorney, Jake. It’s a felony.”

  “I only poked him with my index finger to make a point.”

  “He’s got a bruise on his chest.”

  “Dainty little thing, isn’t he?”

  My pals Steve Solomon and Victoria Lord were supposed to join me for dinner but, as usual, were late. They had something important to tell me, had even offered to treat me to pan-fried snapper. I assumed the deal also included some top-shelf tequila.